The Cheater – Cheating Partners

Discovering your partner has been physically, mentally, or emotionally cheating on you can have devastating effects on your confidence, self-worth, body image, your view on relationships, your willingness to get involved in another relationship and more.

The effects can be anger, sadness, anxiety, possible STD, sleep deprivation, loss of appetite, becoming physically sick, and neediness to have the life you had back before all this. You could experience feelings of abandonment, alienation, deception, shock, trauma and depression.

The continuous obsessive thought of “Why?” The questioning of were you not good enough, were you naïve, how long was this going on, at what point in the relationship did this start, were you being used, was in a karmic debt, were you not performing as a partner should or expected, what makes the other person so much more appealing to your partner, was the sex better, were there other factors you not seeing, why did you not see the ques and were there any.

Key factors motivating infidelity

  1. Anger – cheating can happen as a way to get back at your partner. This could be for a legitimate reason; the insecure partner will be insecure creating a possible false perception of an affair. Having worked with patients with relationship issues, I have witnessed cases where insecurity was a common emotion. Even in a very loving and solid relationship, their false perception created doubt about the relationship and integrity of their partner.

Infidelity motivated by anger can include the following:

  • Frustration in the relationship due to your unmet life needs
  • When your partner is mostly absent, not there for you when you need them
  • When the relationship is shallow, no stimulation of the senses
  • Lack of support
  • Not meeting you halfway with chores around the house
  • Lack of intimacy. This is not about sex, it is about love language, spending sensual times – cuddling while watching a movie, taking a walk together, eating at the dinner table together, taking turns and even sharing cooking, taking a bath or shower together, love language brings people closer together. Being on the same wavelength is important as each one’s perception may be another’s illusion
  • Anger and frustration after an argument
  1. Revenge – this is a common thing that happens. Revenge for cheating or revenge to get back at the partner for betraying the relationship in another way. As you discover your partner cheated you are initially stunned, then the hurt steps in. You might choose to get back at your partner so they can experience the same or worse emotions, pain, and trauma. To hurt them so deeply so they go through all the emotions you went through and may still be going through. This is the driving to retaliatory infidelity.
  1. Falling out of love – to fall in love and to be in love is very exhilarating. Passion, excitement, high levels of energy, the feeling of total freedom, adventurous nature emerges and the continuous rush of dopamine from communication including a text message from the new love in your life. The intensity of these feelings can fade as you enter a different level of your relationship. This is not always the case as some relationships keep the fire going and the romance alive and sometimes even wild and sexy.

Relationships are not only about you and your partner but the relationship to self is also very important. Love yourself unconditionally, be compassionate to yourself, nurture yourself, only then you can allow another to love you as deeply as you are allowing. To be loved 100% and expect another to present that to you, you need to love yourself unconditionally. Your inner universe will always attract to you what you are resonating within.

Have you fallen out of love with yourself or maybe your partner is not evolving as you are? Maybe you have outgrown each other. Falling out of love does not mean you do not love each other. It could mean you love each other differently. This can create difficulty with moving on as there is a sense of security, stability, financial support, safety, routine, dependency, expectations and entitlement. Staying in a loveless relationship may lead to the desire to experience love, touch, and stimulation again.

  1. Situations bring the idea or opportunity – not everyone will cheat if the opportunity presents itself. If there are other factors involved, this can motivate cheating to occur. You may have moved further away from your partner, so you are frustrated, you miss them, your self-esteem is low and you need to feel closeness and physical connection to another. You are out and about, you meet someone or even a coworker, your vulnerability allows you to feel weak, you are easily swayed to start something the new person is subtly encouraging you to partake in.

This does not mean you will cheat, your lack of self-worth, low self-esteem, unhealthy boundaries, lack of belief, faith and trust in yourself, your partner, and your relationship most likely can make infidelity something possible.

  1. Roleplaying Scenarios – certain situations present opportunities for infidelity:
    1. Going out, flirting with another, or responding to the flirting
    2. Excessive drinking after a night out and sleeping with them
    3. A one-night stand makes it easier as there is no follow up, less hassle
    4. Needing comfort after a hard week, event or crisis
    5. Living in an environment where there is physical and emotional interaction where physical touching or exchanging is part of the job
    6. The job requires having dinner meetings or drinks after work, socializing with the same clients or even work colleagues
  1. Commitment Issues – those who struggle to commit in a relationship also lack a commitment to themselves and pretty much most things that offer human love in return. Commitment revolves around one’s perception of it, one person’s perception may be another’s achievement or downfall. It is possible for two people to share different beliefs, values, views and ideas in a relationship. A relationship can be viewed as open, casual or exclusive. Some may like a person due to their fear of a relationship or may move in the opposite direction due to commitment issues even if they wish to stay in the relationship.

Some of the reasons for infidelity related to lack of commitment may include the following:

  1. Unable to commit to a long term relationship
  2. Unconscious deep-seated fear of commitment, settling for a causal relationship
  3. Seeking ways to get out of a relationship
  1. Unmet Life Needs – when a partner’s need for intimacy is unavailable or partly available then there is an unmet life need, there is a lack of connection. Sensuality, passion, intimacy, productive love language and lovemaking, are essential in a relationship.

Many people stay in a relationship that offers a lack of intimate connection due to their perception that things will change and get better. Things can only change when the other person is prepared to change and meet you halfway. Many partners experience a relationship that does not offer them fulfilment, so they settle for what does not honour them.

Many also seek that perfect love. They make a list of what they wish to attract as their ideal partner. This is a mistake. Most of the list they create is all about:

  1. Security – financial
  2. Looks – how the other person should look
  3. Status in society
  4. Car, property, designer clothing – material stuff begins to sound like a business contract. Rather make a list of all your good qualities that are your equal; like attracts like. When you attract what your inner universe represents your outer universe will mirror back at you what you will be most comfortable with. If you thrive on anger, then expect anger in your life and your relationships as everything is about relationships. If you have a bad relationship with money because you lack it, then you will attract the lack of it. Poverty consciousness is not only financial poverty but also about emotional, mental even spiritual poverty.
  5. Unmet life needs lead to frustration of circumstance which might worsen if the situation doesn’t improve. The possibility of getting those needs met elsewhere become attractive and pursuing is an option
  6. Unmet sexual needs:

 i.      Partners have a different sexual preference in position and not compromising

ii.      Lack of sex drive

iii.      Lack of interest in exploring each other

 iv.      Lack of sexual language

v.      Deprived sexual encounters

 vi.      False belief systems around sex – it is only for having children, it feels dirty or having a constant headache when it’s time to get down to unification of body, mind, spirit and soul

vii.      Disconnected from each other’s needs, wants and desires

 viii.      When spending too much time away from each other

ix.      Unmet emotional needs can motivate infidelity. Investing a lot of emotional time and energy on another besides the partner

x.      If your partner is not responsive to you, you start to share intimate details of your partner and your relationship with the other person who has a keen interest in you. This can lead to an intimate connection resembling a relationship, one thing leads to another

  1. Desiring Sexual Connectivity – the desire to have sex can pave the way to engage with another. Cheating is entertained; it will not always be seen as cheating as some believe it is fulfilling a need. The truth is that cheating is betrayal. The cheating person creates the perception there are other motivating factors – the reason to commit the betrayal.

Some people who have fulfilling sexual relationships may cheat. This can occur from a high sex drive or the desire of feeling unfulfilled within themselves. The fear that they need approval from another or having fantasies they wish to fulfil their partner may not even be aware of or be not willing to do. In a relationship always live in integrity, as everything in life is about relationships. Integrity should always be at the top of your list of personal character traits

  1. Sexual Variety – relates to the variety of sexual acts, partners, situations or trying various types of sex their partner may not be into even when they are very well matched as a couple. Variety of sexual desires, experimentation, promiscuity, seeking fulfilment may mean:
    1. Differences in conversations and even communication styles
    2. Differences in non-sexual activities
    3. Attracted to others
    4. Various types of relationships
  1. The Desire for Variety
    1. Desiring variety in a relationship usually relates to a variety of sexual partners, different experiences, kinky to exploring their own sexuality or experimenting with various lifestyles. This can also relate to being gentle, aggressive and even pushing the pain limits.
    2. Everyone has an idea/perception of what they wish to experience. Some may even push themselves into believing they prefer a particular lifestyle to realise they don’t like it yet may continue to pursue it as they try to convince themselves they are inclined to live and want that lifestyle. Others may quit as it is something they thought was good for them yet regret and live with guilt about it.
    3. Variety means to also:

i.      A variety of conversations

 ii.      The style of the conversation

iii.      Attracted to other people

 iv.      Having sexual encounters even relationships with other people

  1. Attraction is another factor of variety. Being attracted to other types of people even while they are in a relationship. Those living in a monogamous relationship may feel burdened if they have not acted on their feelings of being attracted to the other person.
  1. Low Self Esteem – the urge and need to boost your self-esteem may also be a factor in motivating infidelity. Having sex with a new person can also lead to experiencing positive feelings of empowerment, attractiveness, confidence and even success. These are the feelings contributing to enhancing self-esteem. There are other ways one can achieve these without having sex with another. 

Those who usually cheat have partners who are supportive, loving, caring, affectionate, compassionate and encourage their partner to go after their goals. The cheating partner is unable to connect to the same feelings as they do not have these feeling themselves. Instead of seeking help to release the issues blocking them from experiencing these acts of infidelity, they seek to cheat on their partner. Sometimes due to painful experiences of life a partner has from their past, they believe cheating will remedy their lack of self-love. Receiving praise, support, and admiration from a new person may seem different, exciting and even more genuine. This is the illusion of false perception. The partner may feel obliged to stay and keep being the doormat for the cheater out of obligation, another false perception.

  1. Can The Damage Be Repaired? – cheating has nothing to do with the other person. Many who cheat do love their partners. They may not want to hurt their partner and go to great lengths to keep their infidelity from their partners finding out. When the partner finds out, significant damage can be caused in the relationship. Cheating may not always be the death of a relationship, it may mean reconciling, clearing up issues and moving forward.

If The Cheating Has Been Revealed – You may still be in survival mode and may wish to do anything to repair and save the relationship or stay in the relationship. If you are unclear, unsure of what to do look at the following:

  1. Talking – speak the truth to your partner. Reveal and exchange only the truth about what happened. Discuss how you feel and listen to them. Expect anything to unfold as this has created pain, hurt, break in trust, tears and transparency. Find out what the motivating factors are. After you have all the information, discuss it. Take your time. Never make a swift decision unless you are very certain you know what you wish from a heart and mind unification. Avoiding the nitty-gritty of all details of the encounter is recommended.
  2. Does your partner want to continue the relationship? – Some people have had enough of their present relationship and feel the best way is to go ahead and cheat. They can even have the hope their partner finds out, Some may have the attitude that if their partner does or doesn’t find out, they simply do not care. The loss of belief, faith, trust and respect for the relationship means the same attitude they have toward their partner, the mirror is they have lost all these for themselves.
  3. The question to ask is, can you trust your partner again? – If you decide to stay together it will take time to trust your partner. Your partner may understand that. If you are not ready to trust them again, then most probably the relationship is not repairable.
  4. Another question, do you still want the relationship? Are you that much in love to stay? What need do they fulfil? Do you still feel that deep love for them? Are you afraid of starting a new relationship or are you afraid you will be hurt again, so familiar ground is better than a new adventure with another? Always ask if something is worth fixing and what it takes to fix it. Do you have to prostitute yourself to achieve your goal at the cost of your self-worth, self-respect and self-love?
  5. Hypnosis – Hypnotherapy and counselling favors you in achieving peace and tranquillity of body-mind-spirit. The balance of joy, love, happiness, and your inner self activated healing. Couple therapy is very good if it is constructive. Individual sessions are more productive and self-empowering as they allow you to understand yourself and your need and wants.

If You Cheated on Your Partner – considering your motivations is extremely important for yourself and your partner. Honesty is the finest policy, making sense of all this is vitally important for you and your partner even if the relationship ends. You do not want to take the infidelity traits into the next relationship. Repeating cycles is the mentality of not wishing to grow and mature. If you are both going to stay in the relationship, then you will grow individually and collectively. Not all relationships that have experienced infidelity have ended, some even grow to be much stronger than they could have imagined.

The question is are you both prepared to live a life completely honest, with healthy boundaries, and knowing that together you are one? One unit, one love, one life with the flexibility to be individuals and lifelong partners.

Is The Relationship Worth It? – Consider the following:

  1. Do you still want to be in the relationship? Do you still want the relationship? If your cheating was initiated by you not wanting to be with your partner, be honest with them. If you are not sure then seek a professional to assist you.
  2. Are you prepared to work through the how and why you are in this situation and what lead up to it? Are you prepared to work with a professional on a deep level to gain perspective? Are you prepared to go to couples therapy and be open to better productive communication? If a particular type of sex was not embraced by your partner and was not allowing them to do what you wanted, they are never home, what happens if the same situation happens again? How will you react? Will the infidelity happen again? Would you be able to reveal and talk about how you are feeling and how you are considering cheating?
  3. Could you see yourself cheating again? Infidelity creates many issues that are painful to the partner, emotional stress is at an all-time high, overcharged with emotions creating a yoyo effect. This can be from shock, the feeling of being detached, sadness, anger, bitterness, resentment, violent outbursts, withdrawal, being disconnected, depressed, anxious, breaking down and even attempts of suicide. Are these factors worth putting your partner through? Communication is always the way forward; constructive communication leads to clear passage where the right approach and right thing to do manifests even if it is what you may or may not wish for.
  4. Success in any situation comprises of one thing, focused attention, and your commitment to seeing it through. To be able to be truthful in accepting the current situation and the best way forward in achieving your goal to live inside or outside the relationship. Inside you commit to 100% to be the best and do your best, outside to move on and save your partner more pain and hurt. Are you prepared to commit to sessions to grow in the relationship or out of it so that you do not repeat the same issues again in another relationship?

Your Partner’s Infidelity and Your Child/Children

Irrespective of the age of a child, infidelity will always affect the child of any age. The child can react with intense anger, confusion, sadness, hostility, guilt, anxiety, depression abuse outwardly or inwardly like self-harm. Some may act out and even become abusive in retaliation. They can even feel pressure to win back the love from the cheating partner, they may even take the responsibility of becoming the parental figure or caretaker of the betrayed partner.

Things to Consider

If you wish to stop your child from being around your partner’s new ex-partner? A judge can decide what is best for the child. This may be based on the evidence presented by your child, yourself, or others. If the new partner poses any threat to your child Seek legal advice from a reputable legal representative. This may include physical abuse, emotional and mental harm. Or if the presence of the new partner impairs your child’s development and emotional wellbeing.

When is the right time to introduce your child to a new partner? Children are sensitive and are susceptible to experiencing anxiety, sadness, rejection and pain if the relationship does not work out. I would recommend taking three to four months to introduce your new partner, take it slowly, and be gentle with them so they are open to your partner. If your partner is a “Keeper” they will understand. Communication is the key to achieving open communication and understanding. It is respectful to yourself and your partner. After all, when two partners are creating a life together for themselves, it is important for everyone to work together, understanding each other. If there is hostility from the child to your partner it may be covert and spiteful.

Children of any age can be unsavoury towards a new partner. It is the responsibility of the parent to speak to the child if need be to send the child for therapy to resolve the unresolved hurt, pain and anger they projecting to the new partner. The new partner cannot be the doormat for the child’s past experiences. It is simply unfair. If the parent wishes to make excuses for their child’s behaviour, then the parent also needs to decide where their healthy boundaries are. Do they have any filters? Why are they making excuses for their child? Are they prepared to allow their child to control the parent or allow the parent to also live their life still loving and supporting the child full-heartedly? Relationship work is never easy. It requires a deep level of understanding and commitment to live a life filled with love, joy, happiness, peace, tranquillity, laughter, and song.

Divorce, The Reality

Divorce does play a role in how it affects children socially and within their emotional and mental maturity. The child that is experiencing severe conflict between their parents may witness abuse, physical, verbal and emotional trauma. These children will find it difficult to relate to others. They tend to socialize less with others and prefer to keep to themselves. They may also play out and even role-play their parents.

The Effects of Adultery

Infidelity deprives the relationship and undermines the very foundation of what marriage represents in so many ways. What it causes is more than what is realised. Heartbreak goes hand in hand with devastation due to feeling deceived and betrayed. A once-happy loving marriage can be destroyed. If the breakup is certain or if the relationship survives it becomes stronger than before, it is a journey requiring patience and honesty.

In Conclusion

Some say, “A leopard never changes its spots”, “Once a cheater will always be a cheater.” When there is a will there is always a way to achieve your goal. Some may always cheat, but then there are those who are able to stop. When there is growth through understanding there is always success, growing out of the old and past your limitations. When you full-heartedly work through your infidelity, this can strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner. This only happens when are both honest about what you can and cannot commit to.

Communication is always the priority, success always comes from proper communication. That success may be in staying or leaving. When you speak the truth and the truth is revealed, you will always gain in the present, short term or long term. The truth will always prevail even if it makes you feel uncomfortable now, later or in the future.

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